Archive for pet

superfur

(In the homeless writing workshop today, I gave the prompt of Super Vision based on a gorgeous book I brought in — it shows the world that exists that we can only see with microscopes and other new technology. The goal: to try to see beyond what we initially see, and because writing asks us to do that anyway.)

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I wake and scrape sweat off my chest: the dog has slunk up into bed where the baby will be.

Fur under a microscope has a gasoline rainbow inside.

Fur patterns on the sheets: fractals, snowflake articulations. Superfur.

A core sample of his body, down past the fur a layer of muscle, sinew, bugs, coral bones.

He arranges himself around his ribs, his coat of arms.

His blood a tattoo, blue river patterns.

Rice in his intestines. Bugs along his eyelashes.

On the mattress: dirt particles.

A spine shield, it protects my body from the window.

At night the husband mutters, takes a pillow and with sinew hands slams

the mattress, slams the mattress.

Dirt fur patterns scatter, reassemble on the floor,

dirt residue like cinnamon like fleas left behind. White sheets.

Or gray-white sheets.

The dog spine curves, folds, S1 S2 S3 pushes against me.

Each spine pearl, each rubber muscle, no ice cubes.

The down quilt: dead feathers coagulate heat,

dead feathers washed and clumped, falling out of some crack in the quilt,

stuck in the northwest corner of the bedroom,

and down into my lungs and the dog lungs,

down our windpipes, quiet flutes at night.

The baby is partially comprised of dog fur and down.

I swallow dust and the baby digests, becomes us.

I don’t want the dog off the bed.

descending

Coming down into Detroit, at first the sun was setting above this thick blanket of clouds that stretched indefinitely and it was gorgeous, it really looked like I was looking directly at a sheep, and everything was a little bluish but it was still bright out.

Then we descended through the clouds and it felt like we were submerged underwater and I kept trying to take a breath to reassure myself that I wasn’t really drowning. And then I suddenly saw a sliver of sunset and realized that I could see again and we were in between two cloud blankets — a field of clouds above us, a field of clouds below us, and we hovered in between with a hot pink sliver of sun.

Did you know that there can be two layers of clouds with space in between? It was surreal. And still bright because of the sunset.

And then we descended through this second cloud layer and I took lots of breaths again, unable to focus, my eyes filled with clouds.

And then very suddenly it was  dark outside and we were looking over Detroit with all its lights on.

______

Steve picked me up at the airport and we drove home, together again, home again. After spending two weeks without someone, having that surreal experience of knowing someone you love only by their voice, and then returning and finding that that voice is attached to a body, it’s a head-spinner.

We went in the house and I whispered hello to the cats, barely perciptible. The dogs were locked in our bedroom, and when Steve walked in the bedroom door you could hear Moby already moaning, moaning like a human bound with duct tape. I don’t know if he smelled me or just knew that I was home. He bounded out to meet me, desperately. He fell to my feet and rolled over and rolled back up and licked my face and moaned and fell down again, trying so hard not to jump on me and unable to fully obey Steve’s orders that he blared from above while we huddled below in a puddle of tongues. Joon pranced and licked, pranced and licked, pranced and licked, pranced and licked.

I’ve read that dogs don’t know time — you can be gone an hour or a week and they won’t know the difference. That’s not true.

Moby has been at my feet ever since, making up for lost time.

moby making up for lost time

paper dog and paper dog spine

dogsilk flags

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(this is as close as i can get to my dog right now. a photocopy of a photograph i took of him re-photographed from the back. plus his spine, or a silk flag– the initial silk piece I found through the exhibit ‘Come Darkness’.)

joon and the joon doll

joonie and the joonie doll / 1joonie and the joonie doll / 2joonie and the joonie doll / 3joonie and the joonie doll / 5

two one

I spent too much time today researching vanishing twins. (There’s a stupid origin story for that phrase of a group of doctors who saw in a woman at six weeks a set of beating hearts and then at eight weeks just one. It’s like the other one vanished! A doctor said, and voila. The simplicity of that origin story sticks with me, somehow, that that silly doctor got to have his slightly poetic word made into a term that we can google when so many doctors get little recognition for other bigger findings.)

Apparently when the ultrasound equipment began to be used for IVF patients, doctors began to realize how common vanishing twins are. Some say that 1 in 8 of us begin as a pair, but then, just for the reasons that one-quarter of pregnancies miscarry, one of the twins is absorbed into the mother; the heart stops beating and becomes just tissue. 1 in 80 become twins. I find out on Wednesday morning if that is true for me.

I take it personally, that one twin could vanish. Because I am one of two, and if one of us had disappeared, maybe that means I wouldn’t be. And a big part of my identity is being one of two, so who might this one be without the original two? And I take responsibility for it already. One sign of a vanishing twin is cramping, so when all day Friday I was indeed cramping I lay in bed and worried that it was because I walked too far on Thursday or because I cried the week before hard enough (hormone wife) that I thought I had dislodged my heart.

But then today I went into the bedroom and saw the black dog and I felt so much love for him, just this overpowering love I feel when I look at him. And it was clear to me that I couldn’t be sad with just one, because Moby to me is just one; he’s not one of a set of twin-Mobys, and I wouldn’t love him more if he were.

I was explaining this logic to Steve and he laughed: You can be so complicated and then so simple. I would never think to take responsibility for and have guilt over and obsess over the details that consume you, and then so often your solution involves a dog.

It’s true. Maybe the simplest answers are the elegant kind. For now I feel content with this logic. Just now as I am typing this Moby has bound out onto the porch, completely black silhouette back-lit by the light in the house. He bounds like a floating balloon in a parade: an unreal amount of lightness in his movements compared to his weight. More up than down.

horses

Two weeks ago or so I was cooking dinner and listening to the radio and there was breaking news on NPR about horses that were dying in a derby in Florida. One by one they were dropping, and in total 21 died. 21 horses. The most beautiful creature to me. Like my Moby but larger, larger hearts possibly and larger brains, larger intuition. I felt sick to my stomach while listening; I turned the radio off. Too much sadness. I went to the New York Times online to see if there was any information, but there was no mention of it. If it were my newspaper, it would be the headline. No word the next day on NPR. Nothing since. I wondered if I had dreamt it, this horrible story. A part of my brain has been set aside for this story, waiting to hear the results — how did they die? Are the families sick with grief? Nothing. I googled the story tonight to see if I had dreamt it, but I didn’t. I found the news story from that day’s tragedy, but nothing since. I keep waiting, this strange space of waiting for the completion of a story that it feels like no one but me has heard of.

cuddlebug

I am on a mission to get Joon the brown dog to be more affectionate. She started off her puppyhood staring into my eyes with staring contests that I repeatedly lost, but then she got too interested in her big brother and now she’s just obsessed with food. A month ago I decided that I could either feel that I don’t have as strong of a connection to Joon or else I could forge one. The rules have relaxed a little — if she’s allowed on the bed or on a chair beside me — in favor of cuddle time.

It’s really working. Showing love is a learned action. She gets more excited now by humans, by me, and she comes closer just to be touched instead of to see quickly if I have food. She puts her paws out to touch me when she wants me to pet her now. I am over the top: where’s my cuddlemonkey where’s my little cuddlebug! I coo, embarrassing everyone.

But love is learned both ways. And I feel so much more love for her lately because I am invested in her emotions and their connection to mine. With Moby it is easy: he runs over he dives into my laps, touches my face with his paw, gently licks the outside of my ear, rubs his face side to side along my leg. With Joon we have to work harder, but it is there, she is in there.

And because of this, I started wanting to care for her more. I took her to a holistic veterinarian because I could no longer take her flapping her ears or licking her paws. Before, I could tolerate it; it seemed minor. But the more I care for her, the more it hurts my own ears, my hands. The veterinarian gave her a western and chinese analysis, concluded that she has too much heat and wind, and administered chinese herbs. She peed inexplicably twice in the house after a day on the herbs, and then she hasn’t itched or flapped or licked since. She seems proud of herself. Love is sort of everything.