being there
I believe more and more that I cannot truly know what something will be like until I am there. I had no idea two years ago that, if faced with infertility, I would choose the route I did. I had no idea what I would feel after the surgery, if I would feel resentment or love. I thought that once I got pregnant I would check it off my list and coast through a pregnancy — I had no idea that I would feel the grave statistic so deeply: 20% of pregnancies end in early miscarriage. I had no idea how I would feel about forming a baby. I used to be excited that I would get to eat more, but now that I’m here, I am a fanatic about what I eat: every calorie is worth something to a life that is growing 100 brain cells per minute. Right now my embryo is about 5,000 times bigger than the day it formed; therefore, I shouldn’t eat white bread or drink chlorinated tap water. I had no idea I would feel so much awe over life, that it forms out of almost nothing. I look at Steve in amazement: he used to be a ball of cells, components set to make fingernails and red hair. I look at my dogs in awe: their mothers formed them by accident, without thought, and they are perfect. What are the chances that we work out so symmetrically almost every time? It is a miracle. I had no idea I would feel so invested and in awe of the process. I don’t know if I would feel this way if I had adopted, but I don’t think I would. I had a dream last night that I adopted from China and I woke up excited about our future adoption journey, but for now I am glad that this is the way I am learning what a baby is.
