in waves
He seems to learn in waves. As in a new connection in his brain is made in a spark, a quick wave forward, and then it recedes and we wait to see that connection again. We saw him smile days before he became a regular smiler, but it was as if he made that connection, had to step back and absorb it into his system, then come forward with that connection again. The same with language: he’ll be talking away and then make a new sound, move his mouth in a way I’ve not ever seen him do before, and I’ll be sure that we’re in a new phase, and then that sound will not return for some time — and now here it is again.
And this, in the sixth week when I was spiraling down, six weeks of pain while nursing almost every hour, six weeks of intermittent sleep, it felt like suddenly his spirit shot forward to show me that he was in there, that this was worth it:
He has been eyes closed or eyes blurry, and now he sees. He stares into something near my eyes when he drinks. And this isn’t a day of this or two days it is each hour of each day everyday for one week and then two and then six and counting, and then suddenly he is drinking and looks up, looks directly in my eyes, and his arm shoots up and touches my face and he holds it there, his eyes right on me, he holds his hand on my face. The greatest love affair of your life. And you thought sex was intimate, someone said to me after her son was born. I am left shy. I kiss his hand. I kiss it again. I don’t know what to do, how to tell him without scaring him that I am here, I am made of skin and bone like he is, both of us made of the same material. He holds his arm up for a long time. My arm would have been tired by this point, almost a minute. Then he returns to drinking. His eyes are blue.
Nine weeks now. I’ve been waiting for that moment again, and I can tell we’re getting closer. He stares at me perfectly and solemnly. He looks completely wise and completely unknowing. His hands open and close and touch my skin and hold my shirt as he drinks. There is no other touch like this.
