preparing
I’ve been reading this book that talks about the many phases that we go through to become centered, complicated, purposeful adults, and I was feeling hard on myself yesterday for my faults. I’ve been wanting so badly to be the perfect vessel, but I’m not. I have so much work to do.
But I came upon this convoluted thought that gave me peace. We are given experiences that help us to grow, and they come when they should come. So the very nature of pregnancy is inherently conflicted, because a baby comes into a life that needs it; if it needs it, it must not be the perfect vessel yet. This baby will help me to grow into a better mother, and I can’t be there yet. We are all learning together.
August 31st, 2009 at 3:05 pm
I’ve had these humbling moments with my four year old son–where basically I’ve screwed up in some way toward him and, in the aftermath of whatever that screw up was we sit together, I apologize to him and I tell him I love him. He tells me he loves me too and that it’s ok.
I think the humbling part comes from several aspects of the situation–in really acknowledging openly to him that I’ve made a mistake, in acknowledging the same thing to myself and feeling terrible in the process…and in realizing that he sees me as flawed and it’s ok. But the situation is humbling too because on some level, I’m asking Alex to be older than he is–to see his mom as being flawed and to sort out how he can love me in spite of it or in the midst of it. And he does–which is really something.
I get what you say about wanting to be a perfect vessel; I wish I wasn’t the cause of these moments for Alex. But these moments sometimes seem the most intense, most real moments of our being in the world–he sees me and I feel like I see him, out of time almost because at those moments I swear he’s not four.
Anyway, I like what you say here–it’s pretty neat.
Congrats too on the fact that you’ll have a boy; of course I am hopelessly biased, but I think little boys are pretty amazing.