tired
So tired. It’s part of the hormones and I’m not concerned, but it makes me feel bad for people with iron-level problems or with mono. I can’t make it up the hill by our house without holding Steve’s hand to keep up. I sound like there’s no oxygen inside of me at the slightest amount of exercise. I have to pause halfway on staircases. Getting from a seated to a standing position involves lots of gripping onto things around me. I try to be graceful, and usually I look fine, just slow. Today I asked a man at the grocery store where something was, and he belonged in the Olympics he walked so quickly to show me and I barely could keep up. It was an exhausting enough outing that I went home and fell into a nap. I feel like I live in San Francisco, and it’s beginning to make me not want to go downstairs or take walks downtown, it just takes too much out of me. We walk each morning and I haven’t fully recovered until noon. So tired, conversations wear me out. Having to both focus on a human being and think at the same time and also articulate something smart and funny is all too much for more than a few minutes. I feel like boring company. My brain feels covered in gauze. I forgot what I’m saying part-way into a sentence. I have to go to a play tonight and it starts at 8 and that sounds so late. I don’t know how other people manage, but I’m only interested in what I can eat next and then where I can sleep. Apologies for the boring company. Let’s order a pizza.
May 9th, 2009 at 5:40 am
Hello Courtney! It will get better in a bit, I’m pretty sure — most women have a lot more energy in the second trimester, and I, who am a generally low-energy person, had such an astonishing SURFEIT of energy — I could walk so far and so fast, do so much, stay up so late, think about so many different things at once. I forgot what fatigue and sadness felt like. I felt like a whole new person. Then, yes, it gets worse again — now I’m back at only wanting to sleep and eat. I eat on the couch so I can lay down and sleep as soon as my bowl is empty. Sometimes it takes me half an hour to walk what used to take me 5 minutes. After my morning routine (by which I simply mean pee, brush teeth, shower) I immediately feel like I need another nap. *Everything* makes me feel like I need a nap. BUT by this point the Big Reward feels so so so close that I don’t mind the lack of energy like I did in the beginning. It feels less frustrating, and, somehow, appropriate and natural, this growing heavy and slowing down the way the cows and sheep and horses around us all do before pushing out their lovely babies.