Yesterday we went for our first ultrasound to determine if my body is ready to begin the onslaught of drugs. They confirmed that it was, so tomorrow I begin the stimulators. Not that I have been shooting saline water all this time: the Lupron is known to cause cancer and irreplacable bone loss, and quite obviously weight gain. Last night when Steve shot it into my thigh, it squirted out and left an itchy rash. Tonight it stung as if I were allergic to it. I think my body is growing tired of it, as wary of it as my brain is, and as overloaded.

Yesterday during the ultrasound they put a needle in my arm and took out two vials of blood to test my estradiol levels. This is standard, and really I would be a horrible diabetic, but it left a bruise and a dark purple needle hole that I keep inspecting. I was cranky all that morning, unhappy about the intrusion of the dildo ultrasound and the pain of poking through skin and flesh, pushing plastic cameras against my ovaries. It was very early in the morning and I was tired. Sometimes you can withstand pain no problem, and sometimes all your defenses are down.

I want to believe that I only do in my life what feels right. I don’t know how to listen to my intuition anymore because I have had to push it aside in order to do what I have to do. It is exhausting to push away intuition. I fell asleep again in the dog bed. So I don’t think anymore that life is about being a ball of nerves directed here and there by attention and desire. Right now it is a moment of extreme heights: choosing to step into a dangerous situation that feels completely wrong in order to leap to another level. I have to accept the beauty in these feeling of discomfort and fear, the glory in the wrong way signs pointing at my car.

March 27th, 2009 | Category: written | Subscribe to comments | Leave a comment | Trackback URL